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Our worst, weirdest and just *why?!* hair removal stories

It starts as just a hint of an idea; a tiny moment when you look at a formerly innocent patch of hair on your body and think, “what if YOU weren’t there anymore…?”

Sometimes the thought grows and grows over time. You become obsessed with the little bastards (“If you squint, can you see my weird nipple hair through my jumper in the all-school photo?”) and want for them to be gone, gone forever. Other times it’s just a spontaneous ‘hey, silky smooth toes might be fun!’ because there’s nothing on TV and a spare razor in the cupboard. And either way you know that you don’t NEED to get rid of them at all – society be damned, nature made you this way – but man, do you want to chase those hairs out of town anyway.

This, my friends, is where the real trouble begins. If you don’t believe us, here are some ladies who learnt… the painful way.

“I shaved my legs with a brand new razor while on holiday with my friend and her parents at Center Parcs, and in my haste to get out to the subtropical swimming paradise (ha) I managed to nick a huge piece of skin right out of my shin. Cue screaming, a LOT of blood all over the nice clean chalet bathroom, two slightly traumatised parental chaperones and a scar I still have to this day. Also I had to fish the bit of skin out of my razor which is always the worst. Thing. Ever.”

“I slathered hair removal cream all over my bits when I was about 14, just because I was curious about what a bald lady area would look like. I had a fairly furry fanny and it was quite fun removing huge clumps of cream-soaked hair at once, and I was left with a perfectly smooth pudendum. Until I woke up the next morning and realised I was allergic to the cream so that my ENTIRE crotch was covered in angry red bumps which were sore to touch. I had to waddle to the shower and blast between my legs with cold water, and spent the next week or so walking like I was carrying a beach ball between my thighs so that ‘the area’ didn’t chafe more than it already had.”

“Had my first bikini wax ever, guess it wasn’t a great place ‘cos I ended up with a *serious* infection. I couldn’t walk for days until the antibiotics kicked in.”

“I’d heard somewhere that ‘sugaring’ was meant to be less painful than waxing, so bought a big tub of sugaring… er, sugar, for our next sleepover. We did it with old strips of ripped up curtain from my mum’s fabric bag, ad quickly discovered it is categorically 100% no less painful than waxing. But then, having seen that episode of Friends where the guys get trapped in Monica’s bedroom and end up eating her wax, we decided to put the sugaring paste to alternative use, as a snack. That didn’t end well either.”

“I used to ride the bus about an hour each way to school and one afternoon when we’d exhausted all possible topics of conversation, one of my friends announced that she had hair removal cream in her bag and that we should use it. Having never used hair removal cream and being a general idiot, I agreed to let her hair removal my legs on the bus. Obvs, we didn’t have a shower or anything so we were just pouring water over my legs from a water bottle and then scraping all the cream stuff on our sports kit. Naturally, I got a rash that was so incredibly itchy that I have never, to this day, used hair removal cream again.”

“One of my best friends’ little sisters shaved off her sideburns when she was about 12 because she was really embarrassed by them. But obviously they grew back, and when they did they grew, like, perpendicular to her head and literally everyone that saw her for the next few months asked what the hell was happening with her hair. The moral of this story is for the love of god, please please leave your sideburns alone. We all have them (yes, even the Queen) and no one cares.”

Roger that.


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Image: Amber Griffin


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